I see a life in the distance
away from here and this moment of loss.

I see a change on the horizon
away from the struggle and terror.

I see above a way forward
through the pathway to the heavens.

Through the forest
with only my thoughts
and the morning sun
reflecting off ice and snow.

Through the forest
the sky moves and
the cold wind shuffles
and conceals.

The previous days fall away,
my mind begins to empty
and the wind carries away
the fragments.

Free of what is no longer needed
the feelings of loss and being alone
are replaced with content and comfort
as that wind is you beyond memory.

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When the silence falls,
Like a rock over the cliff
They come back to me
Thoughts I cannot control
Thoughts I cannot stop.

I fear silence
The absence of being
Exemplified by nothingness
Leaving me alone with my thoughts,
Nothing there to block
Nothing there to stop
They run wild
Filling my mind with worlds not yet seen
Or my past.

I fear the sound of deafness
The enclosed world
Surrounding your mind
Cradling your thoughts
Pulling strings

I spend time alone
Clear my thoughts, put them away
To rest
A soft sigh emerges from my lips
A silent sigh escapes my mind
And then they arrive.

A rolling tundra, not yet mapped
The wind blows fiercely from the West
I hear vividly the howling
I look around, no one else hears, what I hear.

Stumbling along an etched path
Littered to either side by carnage
One last grasp before the end
One last step before Heaven.

I pause
I inhale
I exhale
The sweet smell of apple pie
Not just any, mom’s apple pie.

My head spinning, wind from the West,
Signaling my way home
I run with one thought
Feet into miles, miles into a marathon.

The path I now walk
circles and oscillates
between two lives
I struggle to be a part of
I struggle to define.

Each has merits and fulfillment
each brings me closer to the being
my past and my future conspired to
create, so why do I struggle in
the present?

That life I judge myself against
through others’ reality, pushes
me further away, surfaces raw
emotion and longing for something
I dreamt and something I am losing.

How much more blood, and energy
do I spill in this race against
time and myself before I let go
and move forward?