The lead-up to decisions, where the result impacts many people and is one of those moments where life changes direction, and the person years from now may not recognize the person now, is the most gut-wrenching moment swirling in self-doubt, a search for reasons, and a forced self-reflection. So much responsibility that borders on a burden that can turn into anxiety if we let the outcome consume our being. Will time allow the mind and heart to return to a normal and balanced state? Or is this something that will be carried for the rest of this life?
The burden weighs heavily, and after so many years in this position, the mind is tired and the frequent headaches now become signs that a change is needed. That it is time to seek out and find a new direction, a new path, and push ahead through new challenges, furthering the distance and time from previous chapters.
Is it too much to ask for a new field to live this life upon? May I start over with the experiences but lose the burden?
I stand on the corner beneath the summer sun and there are cars passing slowly by. Windows are rolled down and music plays from a large truck and like the lyrics of country music, I wallow in despair at the state I find myself in. This is not what I wanted, but in one sense I allowed this to happen, but I have come so far that I have lost some of the drive and push from the earlier version of myself. So I continue to stand here on the corner and watch others pass by on their way to appointments, home, loved ones, or the bar down the road. Any of these destinations or purposes is better than just standing here as time is not kind to those who waste precious minutes, but I am afraid, scared, very comfortable in this position and when I look over the cliff, I no longer feel the excitement of childhood, but instead an intense fear and with some thought I do not have faith in myself.
Where did I go wrong? What moment in this life changed direction to such an extreme that in many ways I do not recognize that person, but that version has become the light I look up to, the person on the pedestal in the middle of grand and empty room with many doors and windows, that I find myself unable to open. No matter what other color I dream for the room, it returns to white, to the same state as when I awoke here. The subconscious knows the comfort state and will override the mind when it begins to see glimpses of a new direction.
How can I break this cycle? How can I awake in another room?
