That crossroad we come to
in moments of stress and blocks,
the struggle choking rational thoughts,
the behavior, the actions – this is not me.
How did this happen?
How did I get here?
Change is subtle and patient.
One day we vow to find balance,
to live and act a certain way,
to be, most importantly, better than
Then time takes over,
and one winter morning, awake before the alarm,
thoughts are consumed with the upcoming day,
week, and months, items and events beyond
control, but consuming, pushing
away everything that is important, that matters.
Closing eyes tight, breathing, trying to push
this away and overcome the thoughts, but it has wrapped cold bony
fingers around the mind and wont let go.
I am losing sight of the path,
I am losing focus of the empty fields.
Each day folds into another as the weeks
and months pass with little notice
and soon another year rises beyond the horizon
and I am forced to confront where I am in this life
and if this is where I want to be, is this the path
I started down before?
How do I break from this cycle?
How do I wrestle back control and stake claim
to the life I am meant to live?
Behind the red glass
what being or consciousness
watches our every move?
The voice behind the glass
asks one clear question:
why won’t you let me out?
Beneath the new moon
questions become more frequent,
secrets begin to spill.
** From the series “The Integration”
Surrounded by more questions than answers
the day continues the race from yesterday.
Searching the earth for clues,
of another part of ourselves,
perhaps one that has answers,
one that has been down that path before.
We scrape the dry hardened ground and find nothing.
Hands steeped in dirt
the afternoon sun beats down
on exhausted bodies.
At every turn. Life.
The decisions we have made
the decisions made without us.
The people we have forgotten.
Yet, here we are beneath another sun
on another day with another chance.
To move beyond our mistakes with
the knowledge and experience we have gained.
None of the challenges are greater
than what we see everywhere and what
we carry with us each day – ourself
looking back at us.
And in the evening light
I see the answer to
every question I have been asking
and to every doubt I live with.
“Are you out there beyond the
merging of the sky and the sea?”
I ask of the ravens atop trees
lining the shoreline.
I am torn as to my place here
when I only have a few fragments
left, the rest have scattered,
on a journey through the infinite
space, speeding toward the beginning
or some abstract ending.
An anxious feeling I cannot shake
as the questions keep building.
Standing at the shoreline
I awake when the sun peaks
over the horizon and the waves
crawl across frozen rock and cover my feet.
I do not know how long I have been here
at this border between the land and the sea.
I have vague recollections of why I am here.
You see, years have passed and the person I am
today does not really resemble the man troubled
and lost, weak and scared.
Holding and embracing the experiences I peer
at each fragment, taste the memory and vow
to move on, to be better than I was, beyond myself
into the space and fields and sky that I exist within
and part of.
So I stand at this border dividing the land and sea.
Who will I become next?
By what standard do I hold my being to and if
I falter will I still cross the border?
I sit on the golden tinged earth
as questions I thought become
answers that I see when in the
distance a figure follows the only
path, the exact border between
the land and the sea and when
he is close his hand
placed upon my head and when
I look up, grandfather.
In the sea my reflection is
carried away by smoke and mist.
I stood there with what was left.
stripped of my armor,
I pleaded to whatever gods
lived here in the golden
light and calm sea –
What more must I give?
I have given blood.
I have given sanity.
My mind now wanders across
scattered horizons before sunrise
and follows dry riverbeds
until they disappear.
I wait here for your answer
as I have nowhere to go.
These simple moments of nature’s gentle cycle
coupled with the raw energy exhibited here and beyond
humble this man juggling chaos
looking for simplicity
looking for answers to
questions I have not asked.
Some mornings the face
turns and questions.
I have no answers except
confusion and distance.
Is this where I wanted to be?
Which version of me made this decision?
If now is the culmination of
three – past, present, and future…
and I see this confluence in the mirror
what does the reflection see?
Are the points of time the same
or the opposite, and in this
convergence what part does the
Do the laws of physics
still apply or has this
situation elevated to a
higher state of being,
one which I do not understand
am not ready for, or this just a mirror?
The mirror is still and silent.
The mirror has no voice.
The mirror follows me
neither of us has a choice.
I watch myself
The mirror reflects the sky
reflecting the sea.
Passing time has brought
changes and distance
the face grey with wrinkles
this person makes less sense.
How did I get here
where do I desire to go?
If the mirror is my reflection
what more must I show?