Fall has taken over Minnesota and what on average are the hottest days of the year, has become 50s and rain. A taste of early fall perhaps, and then a head-first plunge into winter, my favorite season. As I have written about before, cold weather, and in particular winter, is when awareness of ourself becomes more acute and pronounced. We go within seeking warmth, and once inside we get a look around at the things we have collected from this life, and possibly others. Memories and experiences come to light, and we our allowed time to think about them from a distance, and reminisce.
For me, this weather takes me back life post-college and after my divorce. Back to a time of doubt as possibilities abound, but there is a lack of conviction to commit to one path over another. So many what-ifs clouding the vision and paralyzing the feet and mind to walk forward, or even backward as that would have at least been some progress. Back then, I spent many hours on the shores of the Mississippi, climbing rocks, and watching barges slowly head to New Orleans. A cup of coffee and a Bali Hai Djarum helped to soothe the anxiety and bring myself to a more balanced state, and a chance to clear my vision.
When the rains came, and I always hoped for them, I felt cleansed and renewed, like I could figure this out, and whatever I choose, was what I needed to do.
Today has brought forth these feelings as I am in the midst of tearing down some of the walls I have built, looking once again for the person I am supposed to be, built from the experiences I remember. I still doubt that person, and if I can live up to that image, but without that person or image, I keep crossing the same rivers, and keep walking the same field, hoping that beyond the next ridge it is is different. But each time I reach the ridge, and look down and across, it is the same as what I just came from. Yet, with no thought, I try again, looking for something that cannot be found here.
Time slips through limp hands, those not strong enough or willing to take control. In this moment of clarity, I see who the spirit and energy within is ready to be, but the mind and thoughts are in the way. I move myself from here to the mountains and the cold rush of air across the glacier as it hits our faces as we emerge from the kayak and stand in awe of Davidson Glacier.
Maybe that is where my path is and where all my answers lie hidden? Or that is just the key to unlock them within.
As I listen to Lindsey Stirling, a violinist whose music blends classical, hip-hop, dub-step, and electronica, I think ahead to returning to Alaska