Part 2: Chapter 4 – Trapped in my Mind

Chapter 4 of “The Proven Life”


For years, since I began to open my eyes,
Felt the world around me
I’ve had visions,
I’ve heard voices

No one believes me
Everyone’s afraid
Friends, so I thought,
Give unwanted attention
Not there when needed most

Many sessions lying down
People pulling me
Picking at me
Trying to extract
Something I have never seen
Something I do not want to see

Asking me about my mother
“My mother is dead.
Don’t you know that?”

“I stood and watched
Horrified
Unable to move a limb
Unable to find my voice”

“On a crisp fall evening
In the heat of passion
One pierce
My mother now in Heaven”

They tell me what to say
What to think
That I’m imagining this
Imagining them

I cover my ears
Try to block them out
They get in the way
Of my inside friends

When I am alone
I lock my bedroom door
Turn off the lights
Burn my candles

Swirling in the incense of baked apple pie
I try to clear my mind
Then, the voices become clearer
They visit me
The voices have faces
I don’t remember these people, who
Tell me about the world around I am in
Who I am and will be

I am 12

Frozen words that I cannot yet escape or even forget
They stand motionless before me,
Exposing me to the world
I am shunned and locked away
Behind these bars

Suddenly, the icy wind from the south came,
Shattering my words, letting me free
I no longer have words to speak of
I no longer hear voices
No thoughts exposing me
To the outside world

Finally free to roam, free to run.
I have no idea, no thought

The pain,
My eyes burn,
My head spins,
My legs give

As I look upon the stars above,
I know my time is short,
Numbered days
Each closer to death
Precious
In no time
They will find me
Why waste time,
Time is everything
It is the essence we live by
Time is love,
It is the essence of who we are
Why spend time contemplating, wallowing,
In anger,
In spite,
In fear

7 thoughts on “Part 2: Chapter 4 – Trapped in my Mind

  1. Such an amazing journey for the reader in this one section. You write so well that I could experience the voices and it felt almost claustrophobic with the world seemingly compressing. It was such a relief when that icy wind came and swept it all away, leaving you free to roam. I love that your writing has that quality that just gets under the reader’s skin. I think Lorca referred to it as duende.

    • Ooops. I forgot to add that I’d never before felt claustrophobic when reading about someone being locked in their own mind. It was very effective writing. I do love how it shows an appreciation for the precious moments that make up our life, because indeed “Time is love”, and it’s reminder to appreciate that love.

    • Thank you for the specific comments. It really helps me to keep improving my writing and my style. I will try and not get too deep underneath the skin! Since you have taken so much time to read and respond to these pieces (there about 3 left after the ones I posted today), I have a piece that is 7 pages in length, that I would love your honest opinion and interpretation of. If you do not mind, please let me know, and I can email it to you.

      As ever,
      Bill

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