When evening light
scatters across the horizon
hidden behind the treeline
moving to the wind and
free of clouds, the orange
disk fills my eyes with
a field neither land nor sea
but made of light and our
feet walk gently upon this,
though I do not see you
my hand holds something
and from that I know you are here.
Back, years before this final moment,
I swam alone in an ocean of black water
with waves constantly throwing my
body between waves.
I caught glimpses of you in the
distance but I did not know how
far and I did not think I was ready
so I let you go, freed of the bonds,
and in my thinking gave you a
better life beyond here.
I awoke the next day caught again
between relief and panic.
Each year I think about you
and what might have been
what could have been
what my life would look like.
Each year pain and acceptance
filled my vision until I decided to let you go.
Guilt hung around for a while longer
until it too decided to let go.
18-years have passed and I see your
face in my dreams, in the setting sun
and the rising moon, in the still water
of the river flowing out to the sea.