How did I get here? An important question I throw into the air while reading, writing, and drinking coffee on a cold morning with early sunlight across the fields.
In this current state of being, I awoke a few years ago after sleep walking through most of my life and leaving my path up to others, letting go of control.
It is simple and easy to look outside of yourself for direction and answers, and others are more then willing to lead and take you where they want you to go. I let this happen and my life was just a passing shadow, a fading glimpse of what could be and what I already was beneath the surface. Where was I really and truly? Where was he hiding, how could I find him, and the most important and challenging question: how to become aware that I was NOT being my true self?
The day to day struggles, emotions, and experience build upon others, all figuring into the outward person you are, the one we walk around with. What does this build within? How and what do these experiences build on the inside?
As they build on top of others, the layers push further away from a central point, diluting and diminishing the light, the lantern that is within. I had not seen my light, my lantern since before I was born, wandering a different place. Somehow I knew it was there, I had a vague and distant pain that this not my first time here. That there was more, but I was confused and unsure of what I was feeling and what I would see in dreams. I felt lost in one regard, and in another I was angry that I was unable to unlock the secrets deep within.
Like flotsam carried downstream beneath bridges, past cities, and into valleys before washing out to sea.
Whether intentional or not, we attract others that align or sense the energy that we give off, those vibrations that consume our thoughts and essence. I was searching each minute of each day, and that was what my life had become at that point. In this spiritual emptiness, I had become vulnerable, listening and latching onto anyone that said the right words, that seemed to be genuine, interested, and in some ways an equal, even if I did not believe or feel that way.
Further lost in the sea, the dark depths swallowed everything I saw. Any glimpse of light vanished, any indication of land or solid ground, gone.
Until I met you.
I felt reborn and the darkness began to clear as you chipped away at the layers and stone scattered across my field. Your stories of things beyond here, of experiences from previous lives meant I was not alone, that what I felt was real.
Finally, someone to walk the golden shoreline, hand in hand as we watch the sunset and the calm sea.
From your guidance I realized the reality I desired, the control I had, and the answers within. I saw this current life as a field, and my experiences manifested as objects, tokens, and cairns. How we navigate that field, what we keep, and what we discard, determine the reality and the life we live.
I now see with more clarity the guides that I come into contact with, and know which are real and which are not. I now see the stone cairns I have left for myself from previous and future lives. I now walk this field with an ever-growing awareness of myself and the path I will take.
The one single book that has helped me to focus, let go, and where to find the answers is “Cultivating the Empty Field” by Zen Master Hongzhi. This was recommended years ago by Hanakia Zedek, and along with his friendship, has truly been life changing.
I am reading the “Cultivating the Empty Field” for the second time, and also Dogen’s “Moon in a Dewdrop”.
From this perspective I have been working to understand Dualism and Nondualism. In a nutshell, here are my thoughts, and I want to see if I am even close to understanding the basic concepts.
1. The tree and myself are distinct, but fundamentally the same, in that we are made from the same things, have a consciousness, are an extension of the source (that radiant and brilliant light).
2. As long as I believe the “inner” and “outer” are separate entities, that there is a border around
myself/consciousness, I will continue to travel this plane of existence. Only through a non-dualism thought process, where there is no border between the physical and consciousness, can you truly be free, be free of shackles of reality.
This puts a great spin on the saying “it’s only in your head”. How true that is! All of this, is only in our heads, as we allow the “outer” to control the “inner”. So much stuff litters this path, this overgrown field is dying, it is cluttered, and the clutter is blocking any light from providing the nutrients that it needs.
1. On a another level, I have not philosophically thought of “mind” and “brain” as separate entities, thus thinking of them as one. In general, it seems that “mind” is the metaphysical, and “brain” is the physical, vehicle, or transport layer. Though, in some thoughts, the brain is made of building blocks of energy, thus not really a physical entity.
2. This can also be thought of as the state of consciousness and the building blocks, but can these both be reduced to quantum particles of energy, thus becoming a non-dualist approach?
I guess when we argue that reality is what we make it, versus living someone else’s definition, non-dualism is the only approach that makes sense to me, and I am unsure where Dualism fits in philosophically, and in my growth/path I am creating.
In non-dualism, and what Dogen and Hongzhi preach:
I see and do not see
I hear and do not here
– meaning there is no distinction, it just is, it comes and it goes, you let it go, do not dwell, it happens when it happens and then it is gone.
– also means that things we carry can be discarded – the experience has been actualized, assimilated into our being, and what is left: the negativity, the feelings, the emotions, can be discarded as they are no longer useful.
– if there is no distinction between seeing and not seeing, it means the being is self-aware and aware of the surroundings, and there is no conscious effort needed to know this. What needs to be seen will be seen, what needs to be heard will be heard.
This blog will officially move to its new domain in a few days. The logo has been updated along with the header image. The website, www.senzingzen.com has the following meaning: The sensing and feeling of the energy and dynamism of Zen.
In my recent studies of various philosophies and schools of thought, I keep coming back and returning to the Soto school of Zen in Japan. Specifically I am reading and learning from these Zen Masters:
Emphasis and ideals I am most interested in (with my current understanding and interpretation):
Zazen: Sitting meditation, where awareness is directed inward or on the breath, as a way to regulate and empty the mind.
Mindfulness: Also an awareness, of the reality of things, and your role in and reaction to what is going on around you. It is being aware of your feelings, your thoughts, negativity, and choosing to deal with them before reacting, and discarding them from the mind. Mindfulness is realizing we have a choice in how we react to ourselves and the reality where exit within.
Cultivation: This concept has been the most challenging to understand, and put into practice. Although it is similar to mindfulness in becoming aware of things, and letting them go, I feel this is beyond just this one life / existence / reality. If we think about the field that needs cultivating, who defines what that field consists of? One idea is that everyone is given one field when they come into a physical existence. When you are reincarnated, do you receive the same field, or a chance to start over?
These are some of the subjects and philosophies that I will be exploring and writing about on this website as I continue my own path of growth and coming into the being I am supposed to be.
We survived the 21st and made it to northern MN, to be rewarded with Nature’s majesty. Photos will be posted later of the sunset of the winter solstice and the guardian Orion watching over us.
We are still here
having survived the end of this
Did I learn anything from
this warning issued across
thousands of years, cultures, and space?
We spend the evening free of clouds
the first day of a new calendar
beneath the winter solstice
baring its black sky
a thin line where it meets the
black sea and we know it is there
from the half moon, an orange/lemon
pie and the luminous Cassiopeian queen
watching over Orion, Venus, and Mars.
THe night black as the apocalyptic
words we escape from, hiding the truth
fully veiled within conspiracies, interpretation, and fear.
We emerged on the other side.
But who are we now?
Are we different people,
or different spirits, energy?
If this was a transition
what does the new space look like?
Where is the map for us to follow?
And if we have been dropped in the
middle of an un-cultivated field
what is the first task to complete?
The path through the field, the journey
through this new age, a new period of time,
is ingrained in our fingertips.
This field I was dropped into
crosses a sea with rays
of light riding their back
to the shoreline.
Winter smoke rises as the
cold sea burns
a mystical fire free of
boundaries, cultures, thoughts,
ideals – primal, the result
of the suns power to change
the landscape and live
harmoniously with the sea.
A moment passes to gauge the direction
as the horizon is shifting with
seemingly no pattern and the colors –
I have never witnessed a palette born
from the first quantum seconds
of the universe.
Today she bares all in celebration
of a shift in the energy we live within.