In the depths of winter,
when I stand as one of the white birch
when the ravens come to rest atop
silent pines and the fields calm
I finally know I am alive when I hear my heartbeat.
Sitting on the warm patio
the afternoon sun is calm
The wind from the north
is strong and cool –
we shade our eyes.
The grass recently lost its
cover and the yard is brown
and crunches beneath dog’s feet.
The sky is blue and
filled with black wings –
we watch ravens take over
the tallest tree on the hill
and in the quiet moments
with the two puppies
I am content and I remember
my place here within the matter
and I know what matters most.
In the sea my reflection is
carried away by smoke and mist.
I stood there with what was left.
stripped of my armor,
I pleaded to whatever gods
lived here in the golden
light and calm sea –
What more must I give?
I have given blood.
I have given sanity.
My mind now wanders across
scattered horizons before sunrise
and follows dry riverbeds
until they disappear.
I wait here for your answer
as I have nowhere to go.
Imagine being aware of this sound and its vibrations.
Imagine the chaos of each day intercepting and blocking the energy around us, preventing, and sometimes severing our connection with the universe and each other.
The chaos builds each day, and the more time spent in the city of industry, the further I am pushed away and the link weakens. Distractions, voices, freeway background noise, obligations, deadlines – all of this wears at my armor and the weaker it gets, the more vulnerable I become. Sleep becomes scarce. My awareness wavers, in and out of this space, sometimes leaving me raw and naked.
How to escape? How to deconstruct this landscape, clear the field, and build another?
I turn to music. Music blocks what is happening, and with eyes closed, I can more easily leave here. Music is calming, and can enhance, and alter the current mood. Music is timeless and knows no boundaries. Music clams the thoughts and puts back in order the chaos in the mind.
I have spent many hours the past few weeks, in quiet contemplation. Setting aside books, news, papers, pen; I allowed the environment, consisting of the wind, rain, snow, temperature, sun, moon, bird calls, raven squawk – any event to rummage around inside and surface an emotion or memory.
Years have passed and some memories are no longer useful, and I discard them carefully and with purpose. Even the nasty and regretful memories, some I wish to have back and erase, or live again with different decisions, built the person I am now through the experience.
Spring is a violent season as winter clings tightly for control and extremes become common. It seems nature has pent up energy and a voice explodes forth.
I fear and respect the physical representations of her voice.
Back to another time and we stand helplessly, silently, as the fire burns.
I feel the warm space I walk within and I breath you deeply. Today is calm and I can taste your sweet breath, and I know to not take this day for granted, to appreciate and cherish what I have now. I have learned to allow each to stand alone, as a complete thought and experience, and string them together with the previous and the future ones to come. This is the life I wish to build.
I have learned to embrace the chaos, and have given up the quest to control the universe or to calm. Instead I bring the chaos within and rearrange the energy and particles and release what does not work, and consume what does.
Across the arctic, mountains rise in silence, casting long shadows across the tundra, where caribou run for miles and they have learned to coexist with the harsh and sparse environment they live within.
I have chosen to coexist with the chaos simmering and then erupting as I work through these transitions.